Get Your Buts Outta Here

I’ve heard this simple bit of advice at several points in my career but have never really applied it until recently… namely, that we should avoid the use of the word “but” when talking to people; instead, we use “and” and then watch how the tone of our conversations change.

Think about it. When someone uses “but” they are, in effect, saying that whatever came before it isn’t correct and what’s to follow is the important thing to understand. Often, in work and in my personal life, I use “but” to sidestep a potential sticking point – perhaps one that I don’t agree with or that makes my position look bad – and will try to redirect the conversation where I think it should go.

Let’s take a simple example. You’re at work and, inadvertently, you say something that hurts another person’s feelings. When you find out, you can phrase your apology in two ways:

“I’m sorry I made you feel bad but I didn’t mean to say that.”

or

“I’m sorry I made you feel bad and I didn’t mean to do that.”

Did you catch the difference? All I did was swap out that one three letter word for the other. And I think the second version comes across better as it doesn’t invalidate that the person whose feeling got hurt feels bad.

I get it that we want to explain ourselves and smooth things over, though the choice of “but” seems to imply that my intention of not meaning to offend is more important than how you felt because of my poor word choice.

It’s a subtle difference and, I think, an important one. There’s a cumulative positive effect on our relationship with others when we are able to acknowledge and affirm what they believe or what they are doing while offering guidance or additional insights to help make things even better.

What’s sobering to me is that, since I’ve tried to be more aware of my word choice, I find examples of this happening in all aspects of my life. Take another example where you’re coaching a kids’ baseball team. Maybe you tell your player something like:

“Good try but next time don’t swing your bat so hard. It’ll help you keep better control.”

or

“Good try and next time don’t swing your bat so hard. It’ll help you keep better control.”

It’s interesting to break this down. The “but” version immediately undercuts the “good try” that you start with as our brains are designed to take in the latest information, evaluate and then assimilate it into what we know. So your player barely gets to feel good about their at bat before the “but” immediately lessens it by pointing out something they did wrong.

What these simple examples illustrate is actually pretty powerful – “but” tends to divide and separate while “and” brings things together. As you are speaking to people, what is your objective?

True, there are times when you need to make a clear break with what was said or done… “I know you wanted a snack but eating a gallon of ice cream before dinner isn’t a good choice.” Most of the time, however, we’ll find a more accepting audience if we acknowledge and value what they’ve done already and then add our own thoughts to make it even better.

Let’s try a final exercise. The next time you sit down to write someone a longer message, especially one that has you explaining or defending something, pause before you hit send. Try using the search or find function (typically <CTRL> + F) and look for the word “but” to see how many you find. If you don’t find any, then great. Otherwise, take the opportunity to read how the context might change if you switched to “and” and swap where appropriate.

I’ll grant you, this is not an easy habit to break but the journey starts with first becoming aware of what you’re doing. (And, yes, I knowingly kept that word in there :).

Know that I’m pulling for you!