To Hear, Help or Handle

I had a good friend at work, Jill, whom I would often bounce ideas or questions off of. One evening, I was being particularly introspective and was starting to wonder if I wasn’t doing my team a disservice whenever they would bring issues to me because of my tendency to problem solve. So I stopped by Jill’s office to get her thoughts.

I know I sound like a male stereotype here but I was realizing that I was treating each issue as if it was mine to solve. After all, why else would they bring it up with me if they weren’t looking for my help to fix it? (Ironically, it made me think of the old Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus book which was the first time I really understood the general differences in the way the genders like to communicate.)

Anyway, I posed my question to Jill and, as I explained my default response of “OK, I’ll handle it.” Jill smiled and then shared her advice of the 3 H’s. “When someone comes to me with an issue,” she explained, “I always try and ask myself if they want me to Hear, Help or Handle the situation.”

Hear

Sometimes, all we are looking for is to be able to talk an issue through with someone and aren’t necessarily looking for advice or solutions. We just need to get the thoughts out so we can put a structure around them to help make sense of what’s going on. For me, my tendency was to jump ahead and offer solutions. But while that was often done with the best of intentions, it can actually undermines the team and robs them of the opportunity to solve their own challenges. Sometimes, I’ve learned, the only thing we really need to do is listen.

Help

In these situations, your colleague is looking for partnership in solving their challenge but isn’t giving up ownership. You can be an adviser, sounding board or even take a more active role in finding a resolution, but it is done with your teammate not for them. If you have management responsibilities, this can sometimes be a tough boundary to stay within because the simple act of your getting involved threatens to move into the next level of Handle, so be careful and intentional here.

Handle

There will be times when you do need to take on ownership of an issue for a variety of reasons, especially if you are a manager or leader. This is the “nuclear option” so exercise caution when you go down this path. There are certainly times when it is necessary but, of the three H’s, this is probably the one that you want to invoke the least. However, if you find yourself to be more of a passive listener/leader with a “they’ll figure it out” attitude, you may want to challenge yourself to look for times when you need to be more actively engaged.

A Few Final Thoughts…

I have found the 3 H’s to be a really great addition to my repertoire. Deciding which one is appropriate for any particular situation may take a little practice – and it may be best to simply ask your colleague what level of support they are looking for from you so that everyone is clear from the outset – but it’s helped me numerous times respond in a way that is welcomed and better meets the needs of those I’m trying to support.

At the same time – and I’m probably stating the obvious here – you also need to keep asking yourself which of the 3 H’s you think is best in any particular situation. There will be times when you may need to get more directly involved despite what is being asked of you, or it could be the opposite where someone wants you to handle something but it would be in their best interest to have them keep ownership.

And, while the context of this post is the work setting, the reality is that this aligns perfectly with being a parent or a mentor. The same question of which of the 3H’s to apply in a given situation is good to consider at all times.

Whatever is right for the situation, I suspect most of us will benefit by intentionally approaching our conversations in this way.

Know that I’m pulling for you!