I recently heard a talk which really caught my attention. The speaker suggested that we are living in a very affirmative culture, where we are encouraged to feel good about ourselves and – more tellingly- to not criticize or feel remorse over our shortcomings. And, somewhat counterintuitively, he suggested that that approach may be a big part of what’s making so many of us unhappy.
Huh.
My initial thought was that this couldn’t be the case. Isn’t being supportive and focusing on the positive good things in our lives? But as I pondered this further, I realized I was making a subtle but pretty profound mistake. It’s not the feeling good about ourselves that is the issue; rather, it’s the underlying avoidance of recognizing our errors that could be keeping us from becoming better versions of ourselves and thus more satisfied.
Happiness is arguably derived from reaching or staying in a place where we are satisfied and content. Therefore, if we’re aware that we’re not in a great spot, even if we tell ourselves that it’s okay for us to be there, then perhaps that’s what’s driving this seemingly growing sense of dissatisfaction and discontent in our society. We tell ourselves that where we are is just fine and so there’s a lessened need to get to someplace different.
Looking at this in another way, let’s use a sports analogy. As I write this, we’re in our basketball season so I’ll use that as my timely example. If one of my players gets up to the basket, takes their shot and misses, they have three choice on how to react – they can berate themselves for the miss or blow it off by saying they’re still a great player or they get thoughtful about what they are doing wrong and consider ways to improve.
In our self-affirming culture, I think that first option is frowned upon and we tend to go with that second “I’m still good” mindset. Ignore the negative and reinforce the positive. However, it’s that third path – the one where you view the failure, recognize it but then look at ways to do better – that has the real power to effect lasting, positive change in our lives.
If someone plays all season and make no baskets, they’re ultimately not going to feel great about playing basketball even if everyone is telling them that they are a good player. Likewise, if all the focus is on the latest missed shot, they will probably feel demoralized and, again, not really enjoy playing the game. So the best, and probably only, way forward is that final path – to recognize what has happened, to accept it and to look for ways to get better.
Staying with the basketball theme for a moment, I’ve written before about the privilege I have of coaching a special needs team and we’re currently about halfway through our season. We have players with all levels of abilities and I want all of them to feel like they are an important, contributing part of our team because they are. However, I’m finding that I’m not the “feel good” coach. Yes, I acknowledge and celebrate what they are doing but I’m also encouraging them to try for a bit more.
Take a recent experience with one of my players. She’s an incredibly sweet kid, 11 years old with Down’s Syndrome. She’s also the biggest ham on the team actively encouraging the families in the stands to cheer her name and applaud when she makes a shot. We’ve been working on trying to fade those behaviors for the past year with some mild success
Well, at our last game, she decided to ham it up a bit when she got possession of the ball and had her attention solely on the stands. The next thing she knew, one of our new players – another 11 year old boy – ran up, snagged the basketball from her and took off down the court. The look on her face was priceless – starting with a “how dare he” and then quickly turning into full-on pout. I jogged over to her, told her to hustle back into the game. She looked at me and said “but he took my ball!” to which my response was “and he did that because you were showboating and not paying attention. Now c’mon, let’s get back in the game!”
My player made a mistake. It wasn’t the end of the world and I didn’t focus on it after the moment had passed, but I also made it clear why it had happened so she had the opportunity to learn. And, so far, that was the last time she’s hammed it in a game and continues to be one of my most promising players this season.
For myself, when someone tells me that a disappointing outcome is okay and that I’m still good/worthy, I try to recognize it for what that is – a well-intentioned pick me up. But internally, while I appreciate their support, I really am striving for a different, better outcome next time. My failure this time around is not the end of this story and I remain focused on getting to my ultimately goal rather than feeling like I’ve succeeded before I really have. I can acknowledge the progress I’ve made or even the value in sticking with something, but I need to be clear that I’m not where I want to be. And that’s okay.
I think that’s the critical point to consider in all of this. We need to be honest with ourselves but not intensely critical or negative. Our ability to recognize and accept our objective reality, while not losing sight of our ultimate goal, is a life skill that is can serve us well throughout our lives.
I’m okay with not being great right now, so long as I am clear on where I want to end up and that I can come up with a viable way forward. The same should be true for all of us. Don’t let well-intentioned sentiments fool you into accepting where you are right now; rather, use them to shore yourself up whenever needed but don’t let them keep you from improving.
Know that I’m pulling for you.
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