Picking up from my last post, I had been asked by one of my mentors to talk to his great nephew and offer my thoughts as this young man considers what to do after high school. In preparing for our meeting, I ended up writing down little bits of advice that I wish I had known when I was that age, and so I thought this might be a fun topic to close the year out with.
(The first half can be found in Part 1 while below details the rest of the things we talked about. I hope they prove thoughtful for you and would welcome hearing your additions in the comments section below.)
No regrets. Ever
There are seemingly endless opportunities in our lives to be timid, to choose the path that is the least likely to end in our becoming embarrassed or hurt. And sometimes, that’s not a bad choice. However, when it comes to the “bigs” – asking that person out, deciding if we want to change careers or saving up and taking that dream vacation – being timid can lead to some serious regrets. While I cannot honestly say that I have no regrets in my life, few of them are because I chose to try something that scared me. I’m not talking about making stupid choices like running into traffic but rather the doing things that make me uncomfortable. I find that I am much more satisfied knowing I tried and failed rather than be left wondering what might have happened… and sometimes I have the bonus of succeeding!
Relentlessly seek out the good in the world. Most times you will find it… but it may take time. And when you don’t? Trust that it’s gone somewhere where it’s needed more
I’ve talked about this before – to do good whenever possible and to know that it will come back to you in some fashion. You never actively seek it out but instead count on its eventual return… or, as pointed out above, you can trust that someone who needed it more is benefiting from it. I remember a time in college, being poor and waiting tables to make ends meet. There was a cook there who, for 3 or 4 months, would bum $10 or $20 off me after almost every shift with a promise that I’d get my money back soon. I usually helped him out but I was also preparing to move out of state and so one day I asked him if he was really going to get my money back. And he told me “no.” I had already been living without the $200 or so I’d lent him and knew I’d get by without it. But it bothered me to have this hanging out there. So I asked him that – when he was back on his feet – to give the money to someone he saw who needed it, and then ask them to do the same. I have no idea if that ever happened but like to think that it did; and it still makes me smile thinking that that money might still helping out people after all these years.
Learn how to be an effective listener and then be enthusiastic about other’s stories
I enjoy connecting with people and one of the easiest ways I’ve found to do that is to really listen to what they’re sharing with me and then to be able to recall and share that story with others (or, sometimes, to bring it back to the person whose story it is… “remember that time you told me about…?”). We’re flattered when someone is not only interested to hear about our lives but to know that they actually are invested enough to remember – and to share – our story is incredibly powerful and can create some amazing connections with others.
There’s rarely long-lasting harm in making a mistake… unless you don’t learn from it
When mistakes happen, one of three things will come about as a result. We dismiss our error and soon forget what happened and why; our mistake leaves a mark on us that hurts us in some way; or it leaves a mark on us but it makes us smarter. The first situation usually means we’re probably going to make the same errors again. The second result might make us shy away so as not to be hurt again, whether mentally or physically. But the third kind is what you want to have happen because mistakes are one of the best ways we have to learn. I’ve tried to apply this at home and at work – to realize that mistakes happen and to focus whenever possible on on what it can teach us rather than what happened as a result.
People hire those they know, like and see the value you bring. That generally happens over time, not in a single conversation
Credit for this one goes to my old career coach, Gregg. He’s a very successful professional who eventually decided he wanted to spend time helping others improve professionally and personally so he became a coach. And the above was one of the first lessons he taught me. Looking back, it’s so obvious but I’ve found it helpful to think about whenever I meet someone new. It reminds me that every relationship is a journey; it has to unfold and you need to pay attention to where it’s going for you so that you arrive where you want to be. It all starts with awareness, then builds to understanding and finally an appreciation for who you are and what you can do. By investing our time and effort into getting to know others, and to help them know us better, this can pay huge dividends and lead to much richer relationships.
Try to leave every situation better, or at a minimum at least no worse, than when you found it
Do nothing. Do something for myself. Do something for others. That’s really what all our decisions come down to. There can, of course, be combinations as well (say something that helps me and you) but then it’s a question of priorities which speaks to the kind of person we are or are trying to become. I’m a big believer in servant leadership and the calling one feels to live of life of service towards others. It’s not an easy path to walk at times, but it is infinitely more rewarding because it lifts us out of our own self-centered view of the world and broadens our horizons to see – and have an impact – far beyond our own lives. So constantly be on the lookout for ways to make a situation better (or, if you cannot, then do nothing that impedes others from doing helping out).
Never over-promise but always deliver. Your word is your bond and it is how people will remember you
I don’t like to disappoint anyone so I am a believer in the under-promise / over-deliver philosophy. What’s more, I have cultivated a strong sense of responsibility in myself that can, honestly, be a bit detrimental at times when I stay up late to finish a project or spend more time on a project than I’d budgeted for because I want the best result. But, echoing the earlier lesson about no regrets, I see this as a practical application of that philosophy. I don’t want to let people down and I know I will regret it if I do so I am careful about what I commit to and are then especially careful about what I do to make sure I meet my promises.
There will always be someone younger, smarter and maybe even better than you. Don’t let that scare you; embrace it – and them – and do what you can to help them succeed
This is a very generational way to view the world – to see things not from our own limited lifespan but to realize that we stand on the shoulders of those who came before us and it is therefore our duty – and privilege – to do the same for those who are following us. It means not being self-centered and selfish about accomplishments but to look at people collectively and appreciate that our contributions are like bricks in a wall, laying a foundation for what is to come after. The more we focus on that, and the heights we may yet achieve collectively, then our perspective about our own contributions shift and we can appreciate that ours is just the latest chapter in an-going story.
Trust yourself and explore your hunches
This final bit of advice took a while for me to accept as I often saw myself as the “new guy” or youngster for many years and, as a result, felt that my opinion or perspective wasn’t as valid or time-tested as those who’d been there before me. Over time, however, what I found was that there were times when something I saw or wondered about became an issue down the line. Had I asked about it earlier, we might have ended up in a better place or had an easier time getting there. So I started learning how to ask questions to held lead people to the potential issues I was seeing. A number of times, others smarter than I talked me out of my concern – which was great – but at other times, we got a “ohhhh yeah, that might be a problem.” I would much rather talk about these things early and, for those that are really issues, decide what we can and cannot live with before the choice is made for us.
So there you have it. A short list of life lessons I’ve accumulated over the years, oftentimes with the bumps and bruises that go along with making the wrong choices. But that’s okay. I’m hopefully a bit smarter than I was before because of this and, with a little luck, some of these might prove helpful to my new young friend and perhaps to you as well.
Know that I’m pulling for you!
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