Recently, I was very flattered when a mentor of mine asked me to meet with his great nephew, a talented young man who is in his senior year in high school who’s actively thinking about what he’ll do after graduation. He’s one of those people with a lot of drive but which is balanced with a fair amount of self awareness and who readily acknowledges that “I don’t know what I don’t know.”
I happily agreed to meet with him if only to pay back a little of the kindness I’d been shown in my life… but then I got to thinking about what I might have of value to share with him.
This was somewhat ironic as I’ve spoken professionally hundreds of times but I found myself a bit nervous about this meeting. When I’m giving a professional talk, it’s generally to larger groups and there’s an assumption that we’re all in a broadly similar place in our lives with a common language and understanding. Here, however, I was talking to a young man who wasn’t even through high school yet and the fact that he is only just beginning his life’s journey added a weight to the conversation that I really felt.
As our meeting grew closer, I finally hit on the idea of asking myself “so what do I wish I knew at 18?” Surprisingly, things came to me pretty easily and I started writing them down and just kept going. When we finally met, our time seemed to go well and we spent almost 2 hours together. Selfishly, I got a lot from just preparing for this meeting and so I thought I’d share these bits of advice over a couple of posts and then include a little perspective on each in the hopes that others might find it a good thought-exercise to go through.
And, of course, I’d invite your own advice in the comments below!
1) Never stop learning. Be unceasingly curious
I firmly believe in the old adage that once we stop learning, we start dying. To be a student of life is to be engaged in it, even if only as an observer at times. But it’s this endless curiosity to know what is around the next corner that keeps us involved and interested in the world around us. Work hard to never lose that.
2) Be confident enough to speak up but humble enough to listen
As a young man, I know that there were times that I held back for fear of speaking out of turn or of appearing to be ignorant. However, when I would remain quiet, I generally found that someone else would raise a similar point or, even worse, that the point I wanted to make or question to ask never came up. So I eventually learned to trust my instincts enough to share what I was thinking but also to do so in a way that didn’t dominate the conversation. It’s a bit of a balancing act between confidence and humility, but once you can find it in yourself, you’ll enrich both the conversations you are a part of as well as your own knowledge.
3) Understand that volume and projected confidence does not equate to being correct
I have a buddy who’s really big – 6-and-a-half feet tall, probably 280lbs with this big, booming voice. He’s also pretty smart and when you combine all these things together, people listen when he speaks and he’s rarely questioned. However, one day he happened to be going on about some topic that I knew really well and I called him on an inaccurate statement he’d made. He smiled sheepishly and admitted he was probably wrong. However, the confidence that he projected up to that point was entirely convincing. It was a powerful lesson that people can sound like they are 100% sure of something but that doesn’t mean that they’re right. Have some faith in your own knowledge and smarts and always be willing to ask questions.
4) Get familiar with the concept of servant leadership and, if it speaks to you, start putting it into practice now
I’ve written about servant leadership before and won’t repeat that here but what I wanted to convey to this young man was the idea of living a life of service to others. And, if it resonated with him, for him to start living that kind of life now. So many of us become aware of this life philosophy later in our careers so my hope was to plant the seed early with my new friend in order to multiply the benefits both to him and to all the people whose lives he will touch.
5) Train yourself to think critically. Don’t be afraid to ask the tough questions but do so in a way that fosters dialogue, not shuts the other person down
Here’s another topic from an earlier blog post but the practice of critical thinking is something that I think everyone can benefit from. However, we don’t do a great job of teaching ourselves or our children how to think critically. So I encouraged this young name, and all of us, to learn how to do so but to also be mindful that critical thinking doesn’t equate to being critical. Rather, you want to engage in a thoughtful discussion where the shared goal is to make the best decision possible.
6) When picking a career, look for those things in life that don’t feel like work (which probably means trying a lot of things at this younger age)
Quite simply, this is a restating of “the best job in the world is the one that doesn’t feels like work.” And at 18 years old – or maybe at any age – that would suggest trying lots of different things and being honest with yourself about which are the ones where you lose track of time and leave feeling as energized as when you arrived.
7) Embrace the idea that failure isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it is often life’s best teacher
Ah, fear of failure, my old friend. This irrational fear has hung me up for years but the sooner we all can get to a point where we realize that failure isn’t really a bad thing, the better off we will be. The only true failure is in failing to learn whatever lesson there is in not reaching your intended goal. As I’ve written about earlier, my own need to succeed cost me a fair amount by not taking the big swings or in setting my goals at an attainable level rather than really stretching myself.
8) Find a historical figure you respect and learn all you can about them. Then, when times are tough and you don’t know how to handle things, think about what your historical hero would do
I view this like having your own personal advisor tucked away and ready to help at a moment’s notice. If you respect the person you’ve chosen, and can understand how they would think, stepping into their shoes can be very informative, especially when you are facing challenges. You don’t necessarily need to do exactly what they would in the same situation; but just by thinking the things through from their different perspective, you gain insights that will help you make a better decision.
9) Listen with your heart but decide with your head
This one can be tough to do but it reflects the reality that there needs to be a balance between our logic and our emotions. There are times when we know what we should do but we feel torn because our head or our heart is telling us something different. In general, I have found my path by trying to truly listen with a empathetic ear, but then to step back and offer an objective assessment of what I think is going on. The empathy remains and can help you connect and understand where people are coming from, but you can then bring logic that someone immersed in the situation may not be able to summon at that moment. You can be a bridge-builder helping everyone to arrive at the best possible path forward.
I hope these have been thought provoking for you. Part 2 will follow soon but, as always, know that I’m pulling for you!
What If... 