Why Won’t They Listen???

I actually had a different post written and was almost done with it when I felt compelled to stop and write this one instead (the other will hopefully see the light of day soon). Ironically, there is nothing incredibly complex or even insightful with this one but rather it’s a reflection on a common, if frustrating, situation I seem to find myself in on a regular basis and that I was reminded of this past weekend.

I suspect we’ve all been here at various times. Maybe you’re talking with someone and you both are convinced that you are in the right. It could be a spouse, a co-worker, a friend or even someone you’re interacting with online. And you know, deep down, that if the other person would just listen to you, they would find out the piece of information that they’re missing, come around to your point-of-view and all would be well in the world. But that generally isn’t how things play out.

Whenever I find myself in this kind of situation, I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with the other person. Why are they so obstinate and stubborn? How can then not see – and ultimately agree with – my point of view? What is wrong with them that they are unable to think rationally? And so it goes.

While I still fall into that trap in my thinking from time-to-time, I’ve also come to recognize when it’s happening and I’ve trained myself to mentally stop and pivot on how I’m approaching the conversation. I also make several important assumptions:

• That the person I’m engaged with feels that they are correct and I’m the one who’s wrong or at least not fully informed
• By extension, they have information, or at least an opinion, that makes them believe that they are in the right… just as I do
• And that neither of us is enjoying the debate and we both want to reach some agreement… ideally, by having the other person to come over to our way of thinking

It’s at this point that I change my approach. Yes, a part of me still wants to “win” the argument, but I’ve now mentally moved myself up a level in the discussion, almost as if I was an objective third party, and I recognize that there is incomplete information between everyone involved. So the key is to get it everything out on the table and to talk it through together.

I might start by saying something like “we appear to have different thoughts about ____ and it’s frustrating us. I respect that you have this position but please help me understand why you think that’s right.” By saying this, I’m attempting to remove us from the emotional entanglement by looking at the disagreement as outsider observers. I also presume that we are both intelligent people and by asking for help to understand their perspective, I’m further defusing the emotional reaction and providing us a path forward.

If the other person is receptive, then we have the first opening for progress because now we’re getting at the underlying beliefs. This is where additional facts or experiences can come to light and we are both shifting into a new shared mode of being both teacher & student.

And this may be obvious but, while all this is happening, I’m actively listening and trying to understand the other person’s point-of-view. I want to understand why they believe what they do because the moment I understand where they’re coming from, I can start to bridge our two positions.

And that’s the key. We have to be listening, not looking for the other person’s weak point and then pouncing. Go back to our assumptions – namely, that the other person feels they are correct. So your goal is not to defeat them but rather to learn – to share – your assumptions so you can both be better informed and decide what’s the right way forward. But this is a gamble for you both.

Put another way, your goal shifts from being right to finding the right answer, which means accepting that your idea or position may not be ultimately correct. But if you approach these situations with this different goal in mind – that you want to make the best decision possible and you don’t need to be the person who put it forward – then the whole dynamic shifts and life becomes a whole lot better for everyone (and I find that I get a whole lot smarter as a result).

Know that I’m pulling for you!

PS. I’m curious what techniques you have used when you get into these kinds of debates. Feel free to leave a comment below.