Be Kind to Everyone Every Time You Can

The title and theme for this post come from a former student at McCallie School in Chattanooga, TN. I have no connection to the school or the students, but as is the ways of the Internet, I came across the video recently and was impressed. The school had filmed these seniors when they were in 6th grade posing questions to their future selves, and then these young men had the opportunity to watch these recordings and answer the questions they’d asked themselves six years ago.

In particular, one sixth grader – Will – asked what advice his older self would have for him, and he replied “Be kind to everyone every time you can. You don’t get the chance to take things back or do things differently. So try and to do it the best way you can.”

Not surprising, I was struck by both the wisdom and the certainty of Will’s words, and appreciated how it applies to all of us no matter what age we are.

Let’s think about this. First, what is the real cost of kindness? It’s generally not free. At the very least, it takes some effort and often requires additional time and occasionally money for us to show kindness to others. So why make that investment, especially if it doesn’t have a clear return or benefit to us?

And this leads to the value of kindness which is a much bigger conversation.

I’ll start with the more selfish reasons. Helping others can give us an internal boost and a sense of self-worth. The simple act of assisting someone or saying a kind word can make us feel better about ourselves. Some people will take this to the extreme and seek out recognition for their good deeds, but I’d argue that that’s probably not the true definition of being kind.

What should be more obvious is the value of what we say or do for others, in particular the people we’re being kind to. Perhaps it’s a simple word of support, or maybe it’s a donation of our time or finances. Whatever shape it takes, we typically show kindness with the intent that it is going to benefit someone else. So that correlation exists.

But beyond helping the immediate recipient, what I think we don’t always realize or appreciate are the ripple effects of our actions.

Let’s say you make a small gesture of kindness to another person… maybe you hold the door for an older man who is using a walker. You likely exchange quick pleasantries and go your separate ways. But perhaps this man continues into the building and encounters a young receptionist who is clearly not having the best day. Still feeling those positive ripples, he is encouraged to say a kind word to the young woman letting her know that he appreciates what she does for everyone like him coming into the office and trying to find their way. And maybe that’s just enough to break through that feeling of frustration that’s been building in her. If that happens, then the change in her is going to impact every person she greets all day. And all because you took 15 seconds to hold the door for someone in need.

My little story also illustrates an important assumption: the belief that your acts of kindness don’t end with you. I don’t need to see everything that happens from a small good deed I do, but I almost always trust that those positive energies will continue to flow forth and that they will find their way to those who most need them. I realize this might sound naive, and certainly not every act of kindness creates perfect ripple effects. Sometimes people are having terrible days despite our efforts, and sometimes our gestures go unnoticed. But I have no proof of negative outcomes either, and I find that simply viewing things optimistically provides a “booster shot” that keeps me working to reinforce the habit.

Back in college, I worked as a waiter and made pretty reasonable tips. One night, I was counting up what I’d earned when one of our line cooks asked to borrow $20. I knew a little of his story and that he had a little one at home, so I said “yes.” This then became a once-or-twice a month pattern where my buddy would ask me to spot him $10 or $20… and each time, it always came with the promise that “I’m good for it.” But somehow, he was always short and could never had the funds pay me back (and, since he was short, he usually asked to borrow a few more bucks). Over several months, I think I loaned him around $200.

Now, you may think I’m an idiot – and you’d be right – but even I eventually figured out that I was not going to see my money. What’s more, I was moving out of state at the end of the summer so I would remind him every week or two that I was leaving and asked if he could try to pay me back before I left.

Finally, on my last day, I approached my friend. His head hung down low and he wouldn’t look me in the eye, but an idea had come to me. Still, I first confirmed that he didn’t have my $200 – he didn’t – so I told him that was okay but that I was going to ask him to make me a promise. And that was that he would eventually save up that $200 and then go find someone he thought needed it and give it to them. But the catch was he wouldn’t ask for repayment and instead have that person make the same promise to him to pay it forward. He agreed and we shook on it.

I never saw my friend again and I have no idea if he ever made good on his promise, but I choose to believe he did. What’s more, I choose to believe that the person my friend gave his $200 to made good on their promise and that, just maybe, after all these years, that $200 is still floating around the world helping out someone in need.

Honestly, I know the chances are not great that’s all true but, at the end of the day, I find that it doesn’t really matter. Because the benefits from these acts of kindness go two ways – yes, they help others, but they also help us. They remind us to continue to improve upon ourselves so that who we are tomorrow is a slightly better version of who we are today or were yesterday. Do that enough times and maybe we can take comfort that we’re getting closer to who we’re ultimately called to be.

Know that I’m pulling for you.