What Would He (Not) Do?

It’s not uncommon to hear the phrase “What would ____ do?” with the blank being filled with someone we respect. Asking the question can be a helpful reminder to look at whatever challenge we’re facing from a different perspective and to act in a manner that we think may be better than we might do on our own.

I’ve used that question myself over the years, usually to pretty good effect, but I found myself recently using the opposite question to force a change in my own behavior.

Needless to say, all the names in what I’m about to relate have been changed out of respect, but the incidents I describe are very real. The situation centers around a buddy of mine, now passed away, who was the stereotypical east coast personality – he was abrupt and sarcastic to most people when they first met him, but once you got past that hardened exterior, he was a kind and generous soul who’d do anything for you. We’ll call him “Doug.”

When I met Doug, he was recently married to a woman – “Renee” – and we all worked for the same large company. They were an interesting pair – both very smart and capable, but not necessarily who I would have guessed would have ended up together. And, sadly, their relationship did indeed start to deteriorate and, eventually, turned actively hostile before they got divorced a few years later.

Ironically, I was friendly with both of them and I felt bad about what was going on. I respected my boundaries as a friend, but it still saddened me to see this unfolding. In fact, it is how the two of them handled the breakdown of their relationship that made this lasting impression on me.

I understood that Renee could have a pretty volatile temper, but she was always professional around me and, while she seemed sad as things progressed, I never heard say anything bad about her husband. Doug, on the other hand, was a different bird entirely.

I was actually closer to Doug than Renee, both in friendship but also physically as we worked in the same department, so there were more opportunities for Doug to vent and maybe that played a part in my perception. But I was taken aback on multiple occasions when Doug would relate some petty detail about how he won some argument against Renee, or in some way felt like he’d come out ahead, almost as if this was a competition and he needed to be the winner. I was a few months away from getting married myself and still in that “honeymoon phase” where I couldn’t envision how such strong feelings of love could turn into equally strong hatred and even loathing.

Anyway, I did my best to navigate those conversations with Doug and, while not actively defending Renee as I knew how that would be received, I would try and offer some different perspective to perhaps give Doug a different way to approach things. It rarely worked. So I watched my friend go from a happily married man to a frankly angry and bitter divorcee. He and Renee were still good people in my eyes, but I was sad for them in how things turned out.

Now fast forward to a few nights ago here in my own home. I apparently said the wrong thing and ended up upsetting my wife. Complicating things, I had some work to do so I was camped out in front of my computer for a couple of hours and, when I emerged, it was to find that I was being given the glacially cold shoulder. We eventually exchanged words but they weren’t productive and I ultimately went on the defense. I finally went to get ready for bed, the whole time thinking things like “how dare she!” and “she should be the one apologizing, not me!”

As I was brushing my teeth – and still feeling mildly indignant – I thought about Doug and how, in this same situation, he’d certainly have continued to let his anger fester towards Renee and would likely have gone off to go sleep in another room alone. And while I understood the allure, I also realized that if I did something similar, it was going to undermine my relationship with my wife for longer than just this one night. So I went back downstairs and had to wait a few minutes for my wife to acknowledge my presence (that cold shoulder was still very much in place). Eventually, though….

What happened next wasn’t some fairy tale ending where we laughed and hugged about how foolish we’d been. We were both still offended and we felt wronged by the other, but we started off by saying “I love you and I’m sorry I made you feel this way.” We then spent several minutes talking about what we each experienced and how we felt as a result. I don’t think either one of us were feeling particularly joyful when we were done, but the crisis had been averted as we had reminded ourselves that we were still there for each other and that we had heard and respected what the other person was feeling. And after a decent night’s sleep, things were pretty much back to normal by the morning between us.

So, what would Doug have done if this had been him? I had a pretty good idea and I knew I didn’t want to do the same. Because, unfortunately, while a lesson sometimes comes from following another’s example, at other times, it comes from doing the exact opposite.

The next time you’re feeling indignant or wronged by the world, try stepping outside of yourself and seeing which category you think you’d land in.

Know that I’m pulling for you.