I Deserve Nothing

The new year brought familiar thoughts about self-improvement, and losing those holiday pounds made it to the top of my list. I’ve increased my exercise and reduced portions, seeing the scale move in the right direction.

It’s nothing major and certainly not a drastic change of lifestyle that will be hard to achieve. I just needed to be more intentional and disciplined and I knew I could do it. Good for me.

Until yesterday.

Mind you, I did not have this big falling off the wagon where I hit all the local fast food restaurants and went off on a major food binge. What happened was that, shortly before bed, I was a little hungry so I grabbed a few chips as a snack. When those didn’t fully satisfy me, I took 3 or 4 more. All in, I probably consumed 40 calories. Not a huge deal. But it was my thought process leading up to my extended snack revealed an uncomfortable pattern about how I justify breaking good habits.

It started innocently enough with “I’m a little hungry.” If I’d been disciplined, I’d have said “Ah well. Breakfast is in 7 hours” and done my best to forget about it. Instead, I thought about how hard I’d worked during the day, then how I prepped dinner, washed the dishes, did homework with my son, and took out the garbage (my wife was out doing a volunteer thing so I couldn’t fault her). But because I saw myself as a bit of a “hero” for doing all this stuff, my next thought was “well, I deserve a little treat” and off to the pantry I went for my snack.

“I deserve this.”

That simple thought was my fatal flaw. Because this other stuff happened, I reasoned that I should be rewarded. I earned, no deserved this because of something else that I did… in this case, several things that had nothing to do with my feeling a little hungry. But I felt I should be entitled to a little bonus… and that’s where the danger lies.

How many times in our lives do we feel wronged or not recognized? That we’re getting shorted? If you’re like me, probably somewhat regularly. And, if I’m being honest, I don’t think that’s a horrible way to feel as it implies a level of self-worth that can be healthy as we view ourselves as valuable. But it’s the part of “I’m owed something” where things gets problematic.

Go back to my silly snack example. Should doing my chores or earning a salary mean I get to take extra food whenever I want it? I’d say no. There’s nothing that ties those things together. I put in effort to provide for myself and my family; I help with the chores as a responsible parent, spouse, and adult. It just comes with the territory and I shouldn’t see it as particularly special or worthy of additional benefit.

Let’s take a more dramatic example. Consider helping out a friend move on a really hot day. Stopping and drinking water isn’t just deserved, it’s necessary to keep going so no harm there. But say, on the way home, I stop and buy myself the latest video game as a ‘reward’ for being a good friend. That’s when deserving becomes an excuse or even an indulgence.

What’s more, this “I’m owed” mentality diminishes the good deed we did in the first place. We end up compensating ourselves which, if you’ve read some of my earlier posts about servant leadership, doesn’t sit well with me.

And that brings me back to my – now updated – challenge to myself this year. Not only do I want to lose those few pounds, but now I’m actively listening to myself and watching out for those “I deserve” thoughts so I can better recognize when they’re happening and, hopefully, head them off. If I can accomplish both in the coming months, I think I’ll find myself both happier and healthier. And if any of this resonates with you, I’d certainly welcome some company along this journey.

Know that I’m pulling for you!