As I write the first draft of this post, it’s my birthday and I had a fight with my wife a couple of hours ago. The details are not important but it occurred – seemingly out of the blue – as we were driving to go out to eat.
Understand, we rarely fight so this was an oddity in-and-of-itself. Sure, we can get moody and become frustrated with one another, but this situation had quickly escalated to the point where we were about to turn around and go home (likely to opposite ends of the house). Not surprisingly, after we started to talk it through, it was clear that we both felt like we were the wronged party and that the other person was the unreasonable one.
Again, the details are not important but what is important is what happened and how we both chose to respond. My wife and were both initially hurt and, as a result, pretty angry with each other. We both clammed up and, without any communication, I just kept driving towards the restaurant as we weren’t speaking. Meanwhile, in my mind, I was thinking “what the heck just happened?” and “how do we fix this?”… and, if I’m honest, “well, this birthday sucks.”
We pulled up to the restaurant and I parked the car but kept it running (we might be turning around pretty quickly, after all). Here’s what happened next and specifically what we did:
- I apologized. Mind you, I didn’t say I had been in the wrong but instead said that I would never intentionally do something to hurt my wife or her feelings. She echoed the same
- I then shut up … and started listening. My wife told me what she had understood me to say and how it made her feel. I didn’t utter a sound until she had finished
- I repeated back what I thought I understood and again said I was sorry as that was not what I was trying to say but that I appreciated it was how it came across. Then I told her what I was intending to say and what I heard back from her (and she listened with equal attention)
- I stated the obvious. That we both had felt insulted and belittled by the other person but that I believed that neither of us was aiming to do that. And I apologized again, this time for saying what I had in a way that made her feel so hurt (my wife said the same back to me)
She then kissed me and we went into the restaurant to enjoy our meal.
It’s telling how those close to us are often the ones who can get the biggest – and sometimes most negative – responses out of us. I think in healthy relationships, there’s a level of trust and vulnerability that we don’t always give to the wider world and, as a result, when things go south, they do so quickly. And it can take a while for things to recover.
I’m far from a perfect person but, reflecting on what happened today, I’m wondering if that relationship I have with my wife wasn’t the best gift I could have gotten (and my apologies – I know this just oozes cheesiness but it fits the birthday theme so I’m sticking with it). Ultimately, neither my wife nor I felt like we had intentionally tried to hurt the other but by focusing on what the outcomes were, and the fact that even after all these years we remain committed to each other, it allowed us to recover pretty quickly and to hopefully to reinforce a great lesson about what’s really important in a relationship.
Let me offer a different scenario which I was witness to years ago. It involved a buddy of mine at work and his soon-to-be ex-wife. I knew and liked them both, but in my opinion, they both had an overly-developed need to be right. As a result, when they hit their rough patches, they failed to focus on the the most important stuff – their relationship – and instead concentrated on whatever perceived wrong had happened. Sadly, it ended up not only driving them apart but to actively disliking one another.
I remember watching this happen and promised myself that I would not let that happen with my new bride. It was an easy thing to say at the time but, as I’ve experienced along the way, it’s not easy to always do. Still, if we can remember what’s truly important – our relationship to each other – saying things like “I’m sorry” and, ultimately, “I love you” become a lot easier.
Know that I’m pulling for you.
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