We’ve all been there. Feeling stressed, overwhelmed and not sure how we’re going to get through the next few hours much less see something through to the end.
I remember one time when I was completely overwhelmed at work with a huge project and tight deadline. I stayed late nights and worked through weekends trying to get it all done myself. I was stressed, making mistakes, and quickly burning out. But I didn’t ask for help because I didn’t want to look incompetent or weak. Sound familiar?
We’ve all faced situations where we need a helping hand, but something holds us back from asking. Maybe it’s pride, thinking we should be able to handle everything ourselves. Maybe it’s the fear of seeming incapable or even of burdening others. But the reality is that everyone needs help from time-to-time, and asking for it is a sign of wisdom and strength, not weakness.
Recognizing our limits and being willing to get support is crucial for tackling big goals, navigating unfamiliar situations, and getting through personal crises. Asking for help also can provide you with fresh perspectives, can ease the workload, allows us all to learn new skills, and – maybe most importantly – can give us a sense of having people in our corner.
Here are some tips for effectively asking for the help you need:
Be selective about whom you approach
When you’re struggling, it’s tempting to reach out to anyone and everyone for a lifeline. But that can overtax your support network. Instead, be strategic about who might have relevant experience, who is available, and start with a manageable number of people.
Be specific about what you need
Before asking, think about your goal. Do you need hands-on assistance with a project? What are your deadlines? Do you want advice for making a tough decision? Or maybe it’s emotional support to help you get through a difficult time. Being clear on exactly what you need makes it easier for others to understand how they can best help you. Asking yourself “if I just had ______, I could get through this” can be a great way to frame what you need.
Make it a two-way street / pay it forward
A friend once described to the concept of “people bank accounts” where you make deposits – you help them – or withdrawals – you ask for help. Just like a financial account, I find I’m happiest when I have a positive balance with people, meaning that I feel like I’ve given more than I’ve received. That makes it easier to take a “withdrawal” when the need arises. It’s also fine to if the person who is helping you doesn’t and won’t need your help, but then commit to them that you will pay their kindness forward to someone else in need.
Have humility but don’t be beaten down.
Approach the situation with respect for yourself and the person who is helping you. Avoid the extremes of being overly aggressive that came come from feeling weak because you are asking for help, or having a defeated mindset because you couldn’t do it alone. Remember that both of you have value and that there will come a time when your roles may be reversed. (If you need a little reminder about our inherent self worth, check out this short video by Mier Kay).
Know when you need a professional
If you keep going back to the same person or group of people about the same challenges, you may have an issue that will need more professional assistance. This could be financial, relationship or emotional struggles. If the path to help seems to be a well-worn one, take time for self-reflection and determine if there is a longer-term pattern of behavior. If there is, consider professional assistance that can go beyond what our friends and family can provide.
Respect a “no”
Not everyone is in a place to help you. Whatever their reason, understand that they said “no” for a reason. Try not to hold a grudge or withhold help in the future should they approach you. Everyone has a story and rarely do others know all the details. Respect that.
Follow-up later and express your gratitude
Say “thank you.” It’s that simple but this single act can significantly increase the goodwill of the person who has helped you and make them more willing to do so again in the future. Everyone appreciates knowing that what they did mattered and made a difference.
So there you have it – a half dozen tips for asking for help. Because the reality is that we all need to ask for help sometimes. Always remember that it’s a sign of self-awareness and maturity, not weakness or failure. As the saying goes, “If you want to go quickly, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
Know that I’m pulling for you.
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