Defusing Tough Situations at Work

I have this belief that I try to follow both at work as well as in my personal life – that whoever loses their temper first tends to be the one who loses in the end.

Granted, there are a few exceptions to the rule but, generally, I’ve found that those who keep their wits about them tend to fare better in tense situations. But it can be difficult to do that especially when tempers – mine included – start to flare. So how do you defuse those types of situations and instead direct them to effect something positive? One useful trick I’ve found is to find a common enemy.

That may sound a bit odd especially when you consider how I define an enemy. It could be a person or group of people – a coworker, another department or a competitor – but it’s even better if you can make it a challenge you’re facing such as meeting a tough deadline or uncovering some unknown facts or convincing management to pursue some new course. Whatever it is, if you can get the person you’re arguing with to broaden their perspective and see this other thing as what you’re both really up against, then you have the opportunity to change them from an adversary into an ally, and add their passion and energy to yours.

Let me offer an anonymized example from my own life. I gave a really important assignment to someone on my team realizing that they were already overworked but realizing that they were the absolute best person to get the job done. I also realized that it could come across as me, as the boss, not caring and simply dumping more work on the already-stressed out colleague. That framed me as the enemy in the situation so I had a talk with them as I brought up the assignment. It went something like this:

“Mary, I appreciate that I’ve just added to your workload by asking you to do this extra analysis – and to get it done ASAP – but it’s vital to us knowing what to we need to do in the next phase of the project. Without it, the project timeline is in jeopardy and – what’s worse – we could end up making a bad decision that won’t be easy to change. You’re the most qualified person to get us this information and the one I trust to help us make the best decision possible. What can I do to help you help us?”

In this situation, I tried to anticipate what the initial reaction likely would be – that an already-overworked Mary has just gotten another high priority task from her uncaring boss. But by providing context as to why this is so important and how her efforts would help to make sure this critical project stays on schedule and ultimately delivers the best solution, I was trying to offer context for the additional burden while also offering whatever support I could. If your colleagues are willing to listen and accept that, then that gets you ready for the next step – figuring out together how to deal with the real “enemy.”

In this case, it could entail making a change such as reassigning work or pushing back another deadline, or perhaps my running interference so that Mary could focus and get the urgent work done without interruption. Understanding this basic truth of identifying your real enemy can help frame every interaction you have going forward because you are intentionally choosing what you are working to overcome or to change, and can then go about gathering allies to your cause… like turning a frustrated co-worker into an ally once they understand and agree with your point of view.

(This is worthy of a separate post, but implied here is that we also need to be actively listening for other perspectives and solutions that may end up shaping our thoughts as well. Just because I was the manager did not automatically mean I had the right or only answer.)

Personally, I tend to draw the “battle lines” outside of my company so as to make the enemy a concept or challenge such as meeting a deadline or being the first to market with some new product or innovation. I try very hard to never target those around us, be they colleagues sitting next door or another department in the building or senior management… though the competition can be fair game so long as you keep it professional and respectful.

If there’s an us vs. them mentality, you typically benefit if the “us army” is as large as it can be, especially if we’re talking about people in your department or organization. You’re then working together and see each another as resources to draw upon rather than as obstacles to overcome. This can be very powerful when everyone starts to view things this way.

So then, now that you have the proper mindset, how do you go about winning others over? It’ll be different in every situation but here are some things that have worked for me both on an individual and larger team level:

• Be clear and frame your objective. This is your story to share and you are trying to convince those around you of why your path forward is the one to follow. So hone your message, set a clear objective and provide context as to why you think this is the right way forward.
• REALLY listen and then REALLY think about what you’re hearing. Set aside your prejudices and pre-conceived notions as much as possible and try to be the calm center of the discussion. You need to come in very prepared but also very open-minded, confident in your perspective and objectives but not so set in your ways that you are simply dictating what will be done. I try to stay focused on the end goal and always allow and even encourage – input on how we get there.
• Read the “room.” This goes without saying but you need to be actively watching for signs on how your message is coming across. If you’re physically together and you see people glancing at their watches or phones, or sitting there with their arms crossed, their body language is likely giving you some clue that they’re not on the journey with you. If you’re doing this remotely and you’re met with silence – especially if you invite comments – it may indicate that more work needs to be done. Try and think ahead about what objections might be raised and how to address them. Or even ask outright, “what challenges do you see?” to get objections into the open.
• Draw people in and involve them. Building from the last point, there is some risk in asking for thoughts and input but it’s also vitally important because you want to get any issues out and addressed before they have a chance to take root. You also can benefit from gaining different perspectives and solutions that you may not have thought of. If you’re talking to a group and you can think on your feet, this can be a great way to shape and hone the solution. But if you’re more thoughtful in your approach, consider investing time up front to ask for input from specific individuals and have those thoughtful discussions before the full team is gathered.
• Seed some allies. If you are trying to convince a group, it helps to have some friendly support already in place. I don’t say this to be manipulative, but it helps if yours is not the only voice supporting the way forward. Again, this goes back to having some preliminary discussions with select people to get their thoughts and buy-in. But if this is a big enough change, look for some influential voices that could help sway others.
• Find some agreement. Actively look for points you agree with and acknowledge them. If there are none, then dig deeper until you find things that people can agree on (“We want this project to succeed, right?” Or possibly “we want whatever we do to benefit our company and right now, that means focusing on _____.”). You may need to go a ways to find that common ground but I’ve found it usually helps if you can find something to agree on and then build from there.

A while back, I wrote about my worst boss ever and I remember a time when he wasn’t happy with one of my decisions and started really laying into me. Before I got into more details on how I handled this, let me add a little more detail.

We both had come in on a Saturday to put in some extra hours so no one else was in the office. Second, my boss tended to run very hot-or-cold… you were either his best friend or his worst enemy. Third, I am significantly taller than he is and I happened to be standing up when he came over and started yelling at me which meant I was looking down on him as he yelled up at me. Finally, as he was really getting going, I recall having two clear thoughts – one, that he didn’t know all the facts but, two, in light of that, he was making a valid point from his perspective (if somewhat loudly and rudely).

I’d seen other people go toe-to-toe with him and watched their shouting matches degrade into near fist fights. I wasn’t interested in going that route. I let him vent for a minute but I could see he was still building up steam and that I was likely in for it. So I took the wind out of his sails and sat down.

That physical move surprised him enough that he paused which then gave me the opening to admit “you’re right.” Suddenly, I was talking to a different person and we started having a productive conversation about what he didn’t like, the facts he was unaware of and what I would change to better align with what he ultimately wanted. Those two simple acts – sitting down and then acknowledging his point – changed our dynamic both that day as well as how we interacted from then on.

I do appreciate that this is a one-off situation but I think the general approach can apply to a lot of scenarios. What I recommend is avoiding an emotional response if possible, and then to actively seek to understand where the other person is coming from. If you can keep your calm and make that connection, then you stand a good chance at reshaping the conversation and focusing on the real enemy – the problem you’re both facing.

Know that I’m pulling for you!