Recently, I found myself with a lot of time behind the wheel so decided to use it to listen to an audio book that I’ve been wanting to read for a few years. The subject matter isn’t really relevant but what I will note is that the book was written over 30 years ago and that the author speaks with a tone that we don’t hear very often nowadays. He is brusque, confident – bordering on arrogant – and speaks plainly about whatever is on his mind.
Frankly, I’ve gotten used to hearing people talk in a more roundabout way so as not to offend others, to make sure that everyone feels valued and listened to. Hearing this decades-old recording has been a bit jarring and I even considered stopping the book after the first half hour – not because it was poorly written or uninteresting, but because the style was so distracting. However, I decided to stick with it.
But then it got personal.
The author was sharing his perspective on people and said how he fervently wished that, when his time came, that his tombstone would not say that he was a nice guy. He said that being nice was the same as being insincere; that it often meant one was hiding their true feelings in an attempt to be accepted. Instead, he felt it was always better to speak the plain, unvarnished truth.
While I will never take objection to speaking the truth, the irony is that I also happen to consider myself to be a “nice guy” or at least someone who genuinely tries to be good to others. And the author’s general condemnation of being nice certainly gave me pause.
Could it be that I am too nice? Am I not being honest with people as a result? Do I put more value on being accepted than telling others the truth as I see it? Had this 30 year old recording just called me out? I was just ruffled enough to once again consider putting the book down because the author was so clearly out of touch, and maybe even a bit rude, that I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear whatever else he had to say. But then I started to think more deeply about why I was reacting this way.
I realized that this tone of voice was something that I didn’t run into very often anymore (well, except when I visit my family from New Jersey). Here was someone who was willing to tell me exactly what they thought even if it completely disagreed my view of the world. It was an unfamiliar feeling and one that was not particularly comfortable with. But I’ve found that discomfort can often be a sign that there is something I need to learn.
So why was I put out by this old recording? What was it about somebody calling into question my view of the world and who was blatantly saying that it was wrong. I didn’t know this person, he didn’t know me, but his “attack” on nice people was kind of offensive. But why? If I’m being honest with myself – and with you – it is for the reasons I gave earlier. I am no longer used to people explicitly telling me that they disagree with me. Most of us live in polite society and use words that are indirect and nonconfrontational to make our point. But is this right?
Unfortunately, I don’t have a definitive answer.
I do think there is something of value to what we have worked to become over the last generation or so, to being more accepting of different points of view and to be less overtly critical. To be peaceful in our interactions and not aggressive or angry, at least by default. Clearly, there are many places in our society where that is not the case but I think it’s becoming more rare to to find this kind of outright challenge to one another in our everyday lives. And maybe we are the poorer for it.
As a kid, I can remember plenty of teasing that I endured from others. Today, that would likely be seen as bullying and there would be meetings, interventions and maybe even therapy sessions to try and right the perceived wrong. I am not making a judgement call about that, but it strikes me that when I was younger, we were expected to deal with things like this, to learn to take the bump and maybe give a bump back, then let go and move on.
I think it’s that last point that I stuck with me as I was thinking about writing this post. I am not here to judge the state of our more politically correct world or to decide whether it is right or wrong (I have an opinion but polite society suggests I don’t go there :). However, what I will say is that I’ve come to believe that we would all be better served if we could remember how to let comments, especially ones that don’t reflect kindly on ourselves, to be considered but then to let them slide off without our becoming offended.
In our country, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That is an important aspect of the society we have built, but the unfortunate aspect of this means that we will sometimes hear things that may not be true or fair or welcome… but a big part of my growing up was learning how to listen to those unwelcome comments, to put them in their place, and to decide what – if any – impact they would have on me.
So, as I prepare to return to this audio book that has both challenged and insulted me, I am trying to do so with an open mind. Even though this speaker was recorded decades ago and whose point of view is out of step with our societal values today, I still find value in my negative reaction to his words. They have provided insights into how I view the world and what I expect from it, and reminded me of some lessons I’d learned early on but which have, I’m afraid, fallen out of use for me.
Ultimately, I think that all of us would be better served by being challenged more openly and often as it can force us to think about our positions and the values we hold. Being told “I don’t agree” isn’t an insult. It’s an invitation to think more deeply and fully about what we believe in and why. As a result of all this, I’m coming to realize that I need to spend more time around people who are willing to challenge me in this way.
Know that I’m pulling for you!
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