Be At Peace…

I’ve long believed that, in business as in life, it’s generally the person who loses their temper first who ultimately loses out. Getting angry has its place but, as a general rule, staying angry and/or allowing your anger to dictate your actions is not going to result in a good outcome very often. So why are we wired to get angry so readily?

Well, anger can be useful. It can cow our enemies and help us prevail in challenging circumstances. It conveys that what has happened is unacceptable to us. It can right wrongs. But for anger to be an effective tool, it needs to be channeled… which means we need to remain in control.

Those that know me would likely say that I’m a rather peaceful person. Those that know me very well, however, can attest to rare but intense bursts of anger. When it happens, I’ve been told it’s quite something to see (think Gandhi or Mother Theresa flying off in a fit of rage). It is so out of character for me that I think my anger is all-the-more effective. And, so far at least, I’ve never lost complete control when my anger is showing. It’s almost as if my brain divides in two and the normal, easy-going Chris becomes an observer in my own mind while the more primal version of me gets to make a rare appearance. Still, angry Chris is very much on a leash due to my rational brain acting as an observer.

In those cases, I am cognizant of what is happening and allowing it to proceed. I’m also able to assert some mild level of control – usually around word choice – without taking the wind out of my sails. And, eventually, as primal me has made his point and is winding down, my more rational self again exerts himself and starts to do whatever damage control is needed, perhaps framing what has just happened or underscoring, in a calmer tone, some of the more forceful points I just made.

I also recognize that this is likely far easier said than done. It’s taken me my whole life to get to this point of awareness and I clearly still have further to go. But if you want to exercise this kind of control over yourself, if you aren’t satisfied with how you deal with your anger, there are things you can start to do now to affect that change:

Be self-aware

As illustrated by my own experiences, practicing self awareness is a key to self mastery. But start to do this at all times, not just when you’re angry. Ask yourself how you are feeling at different points, taking stock of where you’re at both mentally and physically. Doing this when things are calmer can help you do the same when your temperatures start to rise.

Be Future-Focused

If you are thinking about what may happen in the future and how you might get there, you can view your actions in light of how they will contribute to your getting to that place. Will feeling and/or showing anger move things forwards or backwards? In most cases, I’ve found that having this focus can actually help me manage my angry feelings as I want the end-goal more than I want to vent my anger.

Forgive always. Forget often.

By looking to the future, you also tend not to dwell on the past and what might have happened which is often fuel for the anger we might feel. Yes, something may have just happened that triggered our angry response, but I’ve found that the anger is often more deep-seated and may actually be a conditioned response to some earlier experiences.

Did someone just criticize something you’d done? If this is the first time it’s happened, then you may be hurt or confused but maybe not angry. However, if you feel like this is the latest in an on-going series of critiques, you may well react more strongly – and negatively – than you would otherwise.

By learning to let go and to forgive these past transgressions, you can free up your mind and your energy to be more focused on the here-and-now as well as to where you want to go next. I’m not suggesting you forget the wrongs that were done to you, but try to distance the emotional response you feel. View them objectively and I think you’ll find that they lose their power over you.

I’ll close with a bonus suggestion: be prepared to forgive yourself for when you fail. It’s part of the looking forward. Recognize that, yes, today was not my best day but now that it is done, I have a choice – to continue to relive it and punish myself, or to learn from it and use it to fuel my commitment to do better in the future. Giving yourself the grace to fail often provides the strength to continue.

Know that I’m pulling for you!