Learn How To “Do It Scared”

I’ve turned to Fr. Mike Schmitz as an inspiration in a few of my posts now and, sure enough, he recently had some great insights around fear – including this post’s title – that really got my mental gears turning.

Let’s start with a couple of generally-accepted truths about fear. First, how being afraid can be seen as a sign of weakness. If you feel scared about something, then somehow you are less impressive than others who do not show fear. The themes of being strong and brave are something we generally strive for.

Conversely, another truth is that fear is built into us and for good reason – it helps keep us alive. The earliest cave dwellers, knowing to run from the saber-toothed tiger, helped ensure that the human species would survive to this day. Fear generally keeps people from taking foolish risks or knowingly putting themselves in harm’s way. Fear is a natural defense for most living things.

Returning to the first “truth” above, I think many of us have this Hollywood image of what facing fear should be like – how we may feel overwhelmed and want to give in and go hide somewhere. But then we dig deep and, as orchestral music swells in our ears, we somehow find that iron core inside that lets us set our jaws, stand up straight and look our fear square in the eye. But when we don’t have that moment… when the fear lingers and we do not feel brave in any way, it’s understandable to feel like we failed.

So let’s return to the second “truth” – that fear is a natural part of life and that it plays an important role in keeping us safe. There’s a part of our brain that is directly wired to fire off our fear response and, more often than not, it’s played a huge role in making sure we don’t get hurt or even die. In fact, that’s a big part of what fear’s job is – to make sure we stay alive. But fear also has the power to keep us from living our lives if it becomes too dominant a force.

From his talk, Fr. Mike explains how there are two sources of fear – the hard-wired part of our brains that react to what’s happening around us but there’s also the stories we tell ourselves… the “you’re not good enough” or “you can’t do that” narratives we often play out in our heads that end up holding us back. But, as the saying goes, it’s what we do next when faced with these situations that separates us from the animals. Where we weigh consequences, honestly assess our situation and make a rational decision that is not as simple as “fight or flight.”

Let’s look at something that happened to my brother- and sister-in-law a few years back. They are huge outdoors people and have hiked through numerous national parks and spent months on the Appalachian Trail. Their kids even have geology-based middle names. Nature is a big part of their lives.

One morning, my family members were camping in the back country in a national park. My brother-in-law returned to their camp site to find a grizzly bear sniffing around. His wife was maybe 25 feet away from the bear, near the edge of the lake. And what they did next was very telling.

My sister-in-law kept her wits and sat down near the water doing her best to go unnoticed and not be perceived as a threat. She basically faded into the scenery (with a backup plan to jump into the water and swim away if the bear got too close).

My brother-in-law… well, he’s also a big nature photographer and his first reaction was to pull his camera out and start snapping pictures (albeit from a safe distance). While they’d seen plenty of bears, none were as close as this grizzly had gotten and he was determined to capture the moment. He slowly and quietly snapped several pictures before cautiously moving behind a nearby tree to be out of the bear’s line of sight.

While I personally would have gone with my sister-in-law’s approach given the choice, I was impressed with how both of them drew from their years of experience to offset the understandable flight response they both initially felt. They recognized the danger, assessed their options and each chose a course of action that kept them at a safe distance and gave the bear time to explore and then wander off without feeling threatened. Their hearts were beating fast, adrenaline was coursing through their veins, but they did not let their fear response dictate their actions.

Returning to Fr. Mike, he shared in his talk a little about one of his brothers who is in the armed forces and has, on many occasions, jumped out of a plane. The irony is that this brother has a fear of heights and so, one evening, Fr. Mike asked his brother how he overcame that fear. To his surprise, Mike’s brother said he never had. Rather, he simply learned how to do that part of his job scared.

The truth in that phrase struck me as I thought about various leaders I’ve known over the years. We all look to these people to be the calm in the storm, to never show doubt and to proceed with a confidence in whatever course of action they’re pursuing. However, I’ve heard many successful leaders talk about how they feel anything but calm, certain or confident during times of crisis. But they understand the power of perception and in controlling one’s fear in order to get the job done.

They learned, in other words, how to do things scared.

Somewhat to my surprise, I find that I take real comfort in knowing that. If I’m honest, I really don’t want to see my leaders exhibiting doubts or fears, but it helps to know that they face the same emotions I experience in similar situations when I’m called on to lead.

So when that happens to us and we feel the fear rising inside, we might turn to our acting abilities trying to emulate someone we admire and do what they would. For others of us, we might shut down any display of emotions and speak with a calm and deliberate tone… partly to help keep ourselves in check and partly to not upset those around us. For yet others, we may fall back on our training and trust that our minds and bodies will do what needs to be done because we’ve practiced for whatever situation we find ourselves in.

Even in our personal lives, learning how to do something scared is a really useful – and powerful – tool. It doesn’t mean taking foolhardy risks but rather to have the strength to challenge ourselves, to face the unknown and to ultimately keep moving forward even when all we want to do is turn and run. Being able to do that has huge implications for us as leaders but even more fundamentally as people who seek to live interesting and fulfilling lives.

Know that I’m pulling for you.