The Need to Communicate Often

Which is also known as “one of life’s most important, and most forgotten, lessons.”

It’s funny how my own life offers regular reminders that I need to do a better job with my own communicating. You’d think that having learned – and re-learned – this same lesson many times over, I’d have it down by now. The importance of communicating clearly and to perhaps even over-communicate with those around you. Sometimes the best lessons are the ones that where you see someone else face plant so let me highlight how I messed this up in two areas of my life recently in the hopes that it helps you to not follow in my footsteps and to just jump to the happy ending.

The first is a tale that’s as old as time – that of two long-married spouses who aren’t communicating very well… and doing so twice in as many days. The details don’t matter but sufficed to say that both my wife and I felt that we were in the right and that the other person was definitely not. It led to two very quiet evenings where little was said to one another and barely a look exchanged between us. This is very atypical for us and it left me feeling really uncomfortable and out of my element.

Finally, one of us broke the silence and – thankfully – our anger had cooled off and we both had realized that we needed to talk this out. Recognizing what a hot issue this was for us both, we took greater pains this second time around to remain calm and to listen to what each other was saying and we eventually hit on a workable way forward. Things remained a bit awkward for a while but, within a day, things were back to normal between us

The other situation was work-related but created some similar feelings of frustration and worry.

I have a client and, as he’s developing his team, he decided that I should work primarily with two of his lieutenants rather than directly with him. Now, I had worked with both of these people before and had little concern over the change other than the short-term effort of getting them up to speed and maybe a little apprehension of having two people to coordinate with rather than just one. Regardless, I wasn’t concerned… until I suddenly needed to be.

Everyone was friendly and we had some good initial conversations. But I started to notice that responses – especially to emails – sometimes took days and occasionally went unanswered. Initially, I thought generally kind things like how busy they both were with their regular job duties or how, now that they were paired together to work with me, they probably wanted to talk and make sure they were on the same page. But it didn’t get better.

Finally, we were on an important project – to me at least – and I needed some answers to get things kicked off. I laid out my questions in an email and sent them off. And then I waited. And waited. And – yes – waited some more.

In my head, I started going to some negative places to explain the lack of responsiveness. I moved past the kindly explanations from earlier and started getting frustrated (“how can they not even acknowledge that they got my questions?”) and then worried (“what if they’re not happy with my work? Are they looking for another option?”).

Thankfully, I realized I was heading down a destructive mental path and put the brakes on it pretty quickly. I sent them another note, briefly explained that I was at a critical juncture and really needed their guidance on a few things and then offered some times for us to talk. Almost immediately, I got back two apologetic notes and we quickly found some time to talk and get things going.

In both of these situations – home and work – the solution was the same as it was simple – we needed to do a better job communicating.

With my spouse, it involved setting aside the frustration we both felt, reminding each other that we were still on the same side and apologizing for not communicating more clearly. That gesture accomplished two things – it immediately started to deflate the escalating tensions and it reminded us both of what the long-game was – the “til death do we part” vow we’d made. When we set aside the negative emotions, we were choosing to listen and to try and understand. There was a greater awareness to not let things backslide and we ended up having a much better appreciation for where each of us stood and – ultimately – coming to an agreement on what needed to be done.

For the work situation – no surprise! – it ended up being the same basic game plan of reaching out, clearly explaining what was needed and then offering a way forward. It turned out that there were unclear expectations about what was to be done, by whom and when. Understandable in hindsight but we needed to get past them to ensure the success of our long-term relationship.

Mind you, I was part of the problem in both of these situations. Had I been a better communicator to begin with, I could have saved myself and everyone involved both time and angst. Granted, everyone took shortcuts in our communicating and made some assumptions so we all bear some responsibility for what happened… and we all played a role in making things better.

Author Simon Sinek has written a number of books including one called “The Infinite Game.” It’s an interesting read and Sinek talks about how, in business, we tend to look at things the wrong way. We use sports metaphors and see ourselves in a win-or-lose situation all the time when, in reality, we are really playing an infinite game where the goal is both to keep getting better and to keep going.

What’s interesting is that I think the point Sinek makes in his business book also applies to many areas of our personal lives and that, if we took this same view with all our relationships, everyone would be the better for it. With my spouse, I’d have let go of the hurt feelings quicker; with my business colleagues, I could have saved myself pointless fretting and perhaps gotten my answers sooner and the project going faster.

My thinking is that if better, more frequent communications can help on relatively small stuff like what I have shared here, imagine what that could do for some of the bigger challenges we face.

When I was in college, I had a friend who was pretty “radical” when it came to a social issue that our society still struggles with today. What’s more, they eventually learned that I was on the opposite side of the issue than they were. As soon as they heard that, they came up to me and started demanding how I could believe what I did. I don’t recall my exact words but they boiled down to “do you want to have a real conversation around this?” and they – somewhat to my surprise – said “yes.”

We sat together for over an hour, trading points and always challenging each other but also respectfully listening to what the other one was saying. I’m not sure I’ve ever had such a well-rounded and thoughtful discussion of this issue that continues to divide our country. And while neither of us left that day having changed our point of view, I think we did have a greater appreciation for the reasons why each of us felt the way we did. It was an honest, open and respectful conversation that enabled us both to get smarter and realize that our “philosophical enemy” had some fair points to make as well.

Imagine if we could do more of that in all areas of our lives.

Know that I’m pulling for you!