The Importance of Resiliency

This post is both later than, and different from, what I was intending to write this time out but both stem from the same reason. It’d be fair to say that last week, I had one of “those weeks.” Thankfully, there was nothing life-threatening but, looking back, every day had at least one pretty major bad thing happen… a friend suffered a heart attack (he’s doing okay, fortunately); we found out we need to replace our furnace; the gutters got clogged in two places and heavy rains overflowed them and caused some water damage to the house; and so on. (My intent here is truly not to complain but simply to set the stage.)

So last week was a tough but not catastrophic week. But it was relentless. By the time the weekend rolled around, I was waking up wondering what was going to happen that day and I wasn’t disappointed. In fact, Saturday night proved to be our capper when we discovered some water damage to our garage ceiling shortly before midnight (ironically, we found it as we were trying to fix something else). I was almost numb as my wife called me to this latest discovery. The emotional part of my brain was too exhausted to do react… which may have actually been a good thing. Reflecting back now, I see the life lesson that got reinforced in a very real way last week – the importance of resiliency and always standing back up.

I think most of us can relate to what I’ve just gone through, how you hit a streak of bad luck and it almost feels like the universe is having a go at you. “What now?!?” becomes a common refrain because you just can’t seem to catch a break. But that’s life. Good and bad things happen and a lot of it is outside of our direct control… though, as the saying goes, we can always control how we react to situations and what actions we take. And that’s where I will be immodest enough to give myself a good grade for the week I just went through.

Being resilient means you keep coming back for more, trying to move forward even when everything seems to be pushing against you. It doesn’t mean you have all the answers or that your problems magically go away; rather, it’s a willingness to stand back up and to try again. And what I’m coming to appreciate is that our resiliency is one of the key ingredients in living a fulfilling life.

Life has its challenges, some of them pretty extreme, and the only thing that’s certain is that our lives will keep changing until the day we pass on. Sometimes, we’re on an upswing while at others it’s a downturn. This emotional roller coaster can keep us guessing and even more-than-a-little apprehensive about what’s coming next. Maybe there’s a bit of fatalist in me, knowing that something bad is sure to come along. However, rather than sour my outlook, I instead find that that certainty makes me appreciate what is before me today – good or bad – and to know that, if I just hang in there, different opportunities always present themselves.

Again, that’s where resiliency comes into play. Being resilient means being able to carry on especially when there are significant challenges ahead. For myself, I find that I approach things in a fairly set order:

1. The Trigger. Something happens that is the cause of this latest change; it can range from a nuisance to something life-altering. Oftentimes, the intensity and severity of whatever’s happened is a good indication of how long it’ll be before I can reach some sense of normalcy again (a parent being gravely ill in the hospital vs. a flat tire).
2. Assessment. This is where the “WH” questions come into play as I gather information. What happened? Do I know why (does it matter)? Who else is impacted and/or needs to be informed? Where is the best place for me to be? What are possible ways forward?
3. The Plan. When something significant happens, you probably have some sense of what it is as well as some options to consider on what to do about it. The objective is to make the best decision you can and put that plan into action. Talk it over if it helps or do some additional research if time permits, but overcoming the inertia of standing still is key. In most cases, I’ve found that taking some action is better than no action.
4. Adjust. It’s the rare plan that turns out exactly as expected, and knowing that from the start will help you take in new information and course-correct as needed. Anticipating that things are going to need to change along the way can also help lessen the blow because your mindset shifts from “argh, here’s yet another hurdle to overcome” to “oh, so this is what I was expecting to come along.”
5. Patience & Faith. This may be the toughest part of all because it means accepting that you don’t have as much control as you might want. It means waiting for things to change and trusting that that change will come. Mind you, I’m not preaching willful ignorance here and believing that your happen ending will suddenly appear without any effort on your part. Still, exercising patience to give things time to play out is a necessary part of the formula.

There’s no rocket science to the above but there is the theme of resiliency woven throughout – figuring out what happened and what we can do about it, then putting those plans into motion, course-correcting as needed and finally having the patience to let things work out. Every step along the way is built on the belief that a good outcome is possible so it’s probably fair to say that “faith” is an important component of resiliency. We keep getting up and dusting ourselves off because we believe we can still do what needs to be done, or, we simply know no other thing to do. While the latter can happen, I find it much more rewarding if I believe that a good outcome is possible.

[WARNING… SIGNIFICANT CONTENT SHIFT AHEAD. IF THE ABOVE SATISFIES YOU, FEEL FREE TO JUMP TO THE END. ELSE, READ ON.]

OK. So this is all great in theory. But what happens if you just can’t find it in yourself to stand back up? Depression, feeling overwhelmed or just not having any idea on how to proceed are all very real things. And becoming resilient is not like flipping a switch. It takes practice and discipline to internalize and make it your “go to” way of reacting to problems.

Frankly, the best way I have found to get there is to see it actually work. And the good news is that you don’t have to believe that for it to happen; just be willing to honestly give it a try and then some time to play out.

So if you’re feeling overwhelmed, pick something pretty targeted that you would really to see change and then focus on just making that one thing happen. The smaller the better to start as you’re trying to set yourself up for success. And be honest with yourself when the change you want does finally occur. Don’t discount it. Look at is as proof that more is possible.

If you are uncertain about what to do, it’s time to do some research. Talk to people you trust and who may have gone through something similar. Search online or head to the library and get their assistance to help you get smarter. And as for the brainstorming, one of the tools I like the best for this kind of thing are mind maps. I wrote a post about them a couple of years ago – located here – and I found what appears to be a free online tool at https://www.mindmaps.app/ (though – disclaimer – I haven’t tried it out yet). You may just surprise yourself with what you come up with.

And finally, if you are wrestling with depression or other serious mental health issues, please know that you aren’t alone and seek the help you deserve. This blog post won’t magically solve what you’re dealing with; if you are suffering, believe me when I say there’s hope and take it as encouragement to reach out to the many resources available that can help make things better. You can find your resiliency too and, just maybe, help pass it on to someone else down the line.

If you made it this far in what has to be the most unusual and far-reaching posts of the last few years, thank you. Having resiliency is an amazing tool in your life toolbox but I also appreciate that not everyone can just turn that on. But it’s something I really want each of you to be able to call upon when you need it. I’ve seen things turn around so many times – in my life and for others – that I am confident it will be true for you too.

Know that I’m pulling for you.