You know the drill and have probably been in this situation many times in your life – there’s something that you really want but it’s going to come at some cost… money, time, effort or some combination of all three. And the more you think about it, the more tangible it becomes and the more you see how it’s going to fit into your life and make things better. You become increasingly emotionally involved. And that is usually the first warning sign that you may be heading down a bad path.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not automatically a negative to desire something. Having passion in your life often is the fuel that motivates us. But if we’re not careful, we can also lose our objectivity when our emotions are in charge. We can make poor choices and end up with regrets as a result. Or perhaps we’re successful but it’s not as satisfying or life-changing as we’d hoped; it’s the old “thrill of the chase” being better than actually achieving our goal.
Which finally leads to the topic of this post – knowing a want from a need and being able to tell the difference. This may seem obvious but let’s start with a baseline. A need is something you must possess to accomplish your goal. If you need to live, you’ll have to have food, water, air and shelter. However, a want is something you desire that goes beyond crossing the finish line. You don’t need filet mignon, imported artisan water, clean and fresh alpine air and a 10 bedroom mansion to survive, but having them sure sounds better than eating old bread & stale water in a drafty tent set up next to the city dump.
In fact, wanting something more than the basics can actually good for you as it provides motivation to improve our lot in life but we need to understand what the motivation is moving us towards. Do I want a fine meal out because I truly enjoy the experience and the quality of the meal or do I prefer to be seen at the trendiest restaurant and to be thought of as someone with exquisite tastes?
Let me offer two stories from my life – both dealing with cars – but which illustrate these two very different mindsets.
The first one involves my dad, a super-smart guy who worked his way up the ladder at a university and who ultimately ended up as one of the top executives. I went to visit him at his office one afternoon and was walking through the parking lot to enter the building. Near the very front were all the reserved spaces for the senior leaders. I saw all these really nice and expensive cars lined up. And then I caught sight of my dad’s Toyota Corolla. It was definitely one of those old “one of these things just doesn’t belong here” games and I remember asking my dad about it that night when we were having dinner.
“Look,” my dad said, “to me, a car is just a way to get myself from point A to point B. I don’t begrudge the others from having these expensive automobiles but, for me, I just can’t justify spending those dollars when my dependable little car works just fine.” I suspect his fellow executives probably shook their heads when they saw his Corolla every day but, for me, this provided my first real insight into living by your needs versus your wants. Now that’s not to say my dad didn’t have wants. As a result of his financial discipline, he was able to retire at 55. All his life, he knew what he needed and stayed true to and it afforded him an opportunity to do something we wanted – to retire early and travel.
The other car story involves me and how I forgot this lesson.
A number of years ago, I’d received a nice promotion which meant more responsibility, a better office and even better parking at my office. So I decided it was time to upgrade my old car. Looking around, we settled on this very nice, even borderline luxury car and we eventually purchased a low-mileage used model. And it was so easy to talk myself into it as I pictured myself driving this awesome car. Then reality hit – the car ended up being a lemon and we sold it 18 months later after sinking around $3,000 in repairs in it. Looking back, it was a vivid illustration of my want getting ahead of my need and I paid a price – literally – for it. In fact, I realized later it was the pursuit of the car that was more fun for me than actually owning it.
Mind you, I’m not judging people who buy nice things. Most people work hard to be able to afford better things in life. But if I’d asked myself what my real motivation for my fancy car was, I probably would have made a better choice from the start. So how do you do that?
A few years ago I wrote a blog post here about a system I was shown for making difficult decisions. You start by making a list of everything you desire as an outcome and then rank each thing you on a scale from 1 – 10 in terms of importance. You also mark those things that are a must (e.g., when buying a car or house, you likely have a budget you can’t exceed so having a price less than that amount is a must).
I believe applying that same thinking to when you feel those emotional gears turning can be a very good and healthy thing for us to do. Not necessarily fun, I realize, but good for us. Because if we don’t, we may have a tendency to look for fulfillment in the wrong places and to make poor, long-term financial decisions (*cough* $3,000 lemon *cough*). In a worst case scenario, we may find ourselves broke and surrounded by things we thought we wanted but which ultimately leave us feeling empty.
So that’s my suggestion for us all. To have the self-awareness to realize when we’re getting swept up in the emotional whirlwind in the pursuit of something. If we can keep that perspective, then we can pause and ask ourselves some challenging questions. And, again, I’m not advocating that we always pick the bare bones choice but make sure the rational part of your brain has a chance to weigh in before you go running off after your next want.
Know that I’m pulling for you!
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