A few days ago, we got some very unwelcome news. A family we’ve known for a half dozen years has their youngest son, recently turned 18, facing a life-threatening medical condition. The family applied for, and was accepted into, an experimental treatment program that he’s been taking part in since the start of the year. This past week, however, his doctors both here at home and in the study concluded that he was not responding as hoped and ended his participation in the trial.
His dad has been keeping everyone informed via online posts and shared the unwelcome news along with the fact that they are out of treatment options. Our brave young friend is growing increasingly weak and it seems likely that we will not have him with us for much longer.
As sad as this situation is, it is not an unfamiliar one to me or, I suspect, to you. There are tragedies both great and small that enter into our lives on a regular basis. Sometimes it is something forgettable like finding that your tire has gone flat. Maybe you feel a strong sense of empathy from a story in the news or a post on social media. Other times, it is far more personal and impacts us or those in our immediate circle in life-altering ways. And when faced with many of those situations, I often find myself asking “why.”
I find myself asking today what good comes from the death of a young man like our friend? Or for a couple who lose their newborn child or a family whose mother or father passes away at a young age or that dedicated worker who loses their job or that person we all know who seems to live under a perpetual black cloud and moves from one terrible situation to another? All too often, the only response I have is “I don’t know.”
Recently, however, I had the opportunity to hear Fr. Mike Schmitz give a talk and the events from this past week caused me to think back and reflect on his words. Specifically, Fr. Mike spoke about suffering and why we have to go through these painful times. He offered three reasons along with a fourth that is very much based in faith. (I’ll leave it to you to decide for yourself if suffering is something inflicted upon us by a higher power or if these reasons offer a way to look at these bad experiences and to find some good from them.)
So, what might be some reasons why we suffer?
- To Correct. Perhaps we are making bad choices and doing something wrong. Our suffering may be there to correct our actions. Think of a hand touching a hot stove or, even worse, being sent to jail after robbing a bank. We did something we shouldn’t have and there is some form of suffering that results from it. And, hopefully, it dissuades us from repeating the mistake in the future.
- To Teach. This one’s a bit more philosophical as it could imply a higher intelligence that is guiding us through the suffering so that we come out wiser and more informed. Still, I would be lying if I didn’t acknowledge that I have learned plenty of things about myself and others by being a part of challenging times. Often, it is upon reflection afterwards when I find the lessons but it’s surprising how often suffering has taught me something important.
- To Grow. We are tempered by the challenges we face. Perhaps it was the first time you left home to live on your own or how you took on real responsibility at a job and all the stress that came with it. Maybe it was working through a painful breakup and realizing that you are better off without the other person in your life. We are changed by our experiences and, oftentimes, the ones that challenge us the most have the biggest impact on who we are and will become.
- To Redeem. This one is Fr. Mike’s most spiritual reason as it relates directly to the Christian belief that Jesus died for our sins and that now, through our own suffering, we are sharing in some small way of what Christ gave up for us. I’ll forgo any commentary here but offer it up for consideration and completeness.
It’s interesting but there is a positive that leads from each of these four reasons, a way in which we have the opportunity to emerge better than we were before or maybe to lift up others by our example. That does not necessarily make what we go through any easier but it does provide some perspective that what we are suffering through is not in vain.
Returning to the difficult journey our young friend and his family are on, I’ll admit that I’m still having a hard time accepting what’s happening. I hate the thought of a world without him in it and would greatly prefer other ways to learn or to grow that won’t cost us this amazing young man. But if I’m being honest with myself, the thought of losing him is actually making what he has (and continues) to teach all the more poignant. His likely loss makes me treasure him all the more while he is still here with us and to reflect fondly on all the years we have known him.
(There feels like there’s another post in here that we should treasure those around us all the time and not just when we are faced with losing them….)
For myself, I do not believe that we are made to suffer but that suffering is a part of our lives. I believe in free will and also the seemingly random nature of the world we live in. As a result of all this, my conclusion for why bad things happen is because it is a natural part of life. As living, loving and imperfect beings, we face an uncertain future with the only certainty being that, someday, we will be faced with the last moments for ourselves and those around us.
I cannot fully imagine what our friends are going through this very moment and, if I’m being honest, I don’t want to. I find myself looking for ways to distract my mind so I don’t dwell on it for too long. But that doesn’t lessen the pending sense of loss as well as the gratitude I feel that this young man has had such an impact on my life.
Whether you are living through one of life’s highs or life’s lows right now or, maybe, are just existing somewhere in the middle, know that I’m pulling for you.
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