Let’s be honest – we typically get told “no” way more often than we ever hear “yes.” Applying for jobs, asking someone out on a date, suggesting something new at work or even asking for ice cream at breakfast. No. No. No! No!!!
The world, in short, has a lot more Nos than Yeses. So the question at the heart of today’s post is whether or not that’s a bad thing. And, ironically, the answer is both “yes” and “no.”
On the one hand, hearing all these no’s can be a good thing. We cannot do everything or be everything to everyone. We need boundaries and limits and are ideally engaging in activities that build us up both mentally and physically (okay, that ice cream-for-breakfast thing above might have been my idea). Hearing “no” can toughen us up and help to redirect our energies into more productive endeavors. Yes, it may hurt in the short term but it can be healthy and helpful in the long run.
That said, it’s not unreasonable to think that all these nos keep adding up and – eventually – can even cause us to stop trying. I’ve seen incredibly talented business people apply for job after job, only to hear that the company is going with another candidate whose qualifications are a better match. Eventually, they can despair that they’ll ever land a job.
In college, I saw buddies get shot down time and again when asking someone out (but, hey, they were often braver than my shy self). Still, it got so bad for some of them that they gave up on the idea of dating entirely.
Probably the worst example of this continual rejection impacts just about every one of us. Think back to how imaginative you likely were in kindergarten and first grade, fearless to make-believe and be creative with abandon. Then, by the time most of us get to junior high or so, we have set aside our fearlessness and stopped exercising our creativity – at least publicly – so we can fit in better and avoid being rejected and ridiculed. The world’s “no” teaches us to limit and even diminish who we are and what we show outwardly.
Which gets to the heart of this issue. Nos are not inherently good or bad; what matters is what we choose to do with them. Do we use them as a way to redirect our efforts and to focus on what’s really important? Does a “no” become a rallying cry to try harder or to find success in some other way? If so, then great job. Keep up the good work! But if we instead use these nos as a way to rationalize our no longer trying? Well, that’s just a depressing thought.
It’s true that tearing down is easier than building up. Hearing “no” from someone likely means that the situation won’t change – you didn’t get the job or the date or the approval for your project. Just stay the course. Frankly, it is easier for a person or a group or society to squash the outlier. But that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right.
Take my earlier example of the job hunter. Depending on where you are in your career, the needs of the marketplace and a number of other myriad factors, it might take someone months or even much longer to land a position (the record in my own personal circle of friends was 4 years for someone to find permanent employment).
Imagine getting up every day, sending out resumes and making calls only to be told “no” time-and-again. At some point, you are probably going to think that’s it’s me… I’m what’s wrong in this equation. I’m not qualified or smart enough or worthy of this job. The risk of thinking this way is that we put power in the hands of other people, these naysayers, and we allow our own sense of self worth to be determined by that.
Or you can choose another path. Instead, whenever you hear a “no” you can remind yourself that this is a decision regarding an opportunity, not about the value you bring. If that girl or guy shoots you down, so be it. If the interviewer thinks someone else would be better for the role, wish them the best. Their “no” takes away nothing from you… unless you let it.
Never, ever let someone else’s “no” become yours. Listen to their reasoning, learn from the experience, but then you decide what you want to do next. Preserve your confidence, your belief in yourself and use it to create your own self-fulfilling prophecy.
Know that I’m pulling for you.
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