Don’t Teach. Show.

Jim Henson of Muppets fame once said…

The attitude you have as a parent is what your kids will learn from more than what you tell them. They don’t remember what you try to teach them. They remember what you are.

As both a father and as a manager, these words strike a chord with me as I finally am coming to understand how it is our behaviors which are what really stay with people… especially over the long run.

Not sure you believe me? Then try this quick exercise out for yourself. Picture someone you haven’t seen in a while but who stands out in your memory for some reason. Try to see them as clearly as you can and think about some event that they were a part of.

If this person is indeed memorable, when you were visualizing them you likely had some sort of emotional reaction as they came into your thoughts. Maybe you got a faint frown or a smile on your face. Perhaps you felt like you missed them or perhaps you’re glad that they’re not around.

Next, think if you heard them talking or were they doing something? I’d suspect the latter but even if you did hear them in your mind, was it their words you were listening to or were you more focused on how those words made you feel?

Bottom line, I will bet that if you did think of someone memorable, you likely had some degree of emotional response when you thought of them. And that’s the point of this post. Through our actions and interactions, people build this concept of who we are and it’s this collective perception that comes to mind when they encounter us be it in person or in their memories.

That all said, it is not uncommon for many of us to still hold onto this notion that it is our words that people will remember. And certainly we may recall moving speeches but I’d argue it’s how those speeches made us feel that are what we truly think of… consider MLK’s “I have a dream” or FDR’s “we have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Powerful words which evoke strong feelings in us. The phrase “you had to be there” carries with it the implication that the feelings called up by a person or event carry far more weight than just reading the words that were said.

Not surprisingly, it took me a long time to realize this. I remember taking our dog out for nighttime walks when my wife was pregnant. I would practice how I’d someday answer the endless questions I was sure our child would ask about how things work or why things were they way they are. I naively thought that wisdom and knowledge would be conveyed by what I said and so I wanted to practice my answers… and our dog was a pretty nonjudgmental audience.

In the years since, I’ve discovered a very different reality – my words convey far less meaning than I could have ever guessed. Instead, it’s what I do that seems to be the real form of communication. And that’s true at work as much as it is at home.

Our reputation is built partly by what we say but far more by what we do. If you tell your team that you trust them to get the job done but then check in every 15 minutes, your words and actions are at odds with one another. Or if you always say that your door is open but your body language conveys your irritation at being interrupted, your coworkers will pick up on that. That’s why I’ve found it helpful to actively pay attention to how the people around me react to things I say.

What’s fascinating is that each generation seems to re-learn this truth. I’ll close with a few of my favorite quotes from history…

“Well done is better than well said.” – Ben Franklin

“Pay less attention to what men say. Just watch what they do.” – Dale Carnegie

“The superior man acts before he speaks, and afterwards speaks according to his actions.” – Confucius

“People may doubt what you say but they will believe what you do.” – Anonymous

If you’re like my younger self and believe that your words will carry the day, I encourage you think again. If, however, your actions convey and/or reinforce your message, I think you can be confident that it will be heard.

Know that I’m pulling for you!