Leaders Don’t Shy Away From Conflict

I’ll be honest… my personality is such that I don’t particularly enjoy conflict. I have no issue with discussion, debate and even disagreement but I’d much rather end up with everyone rowing in generally the same direction, focusing less on interpersonal drama and more about the challenges we need to face together. But conflict is bound to happen whenever you have two or more people together for any length of time… and the best leaders don’t shy away from dealing with any major conflict that arises.

I don’t know if qualify for to be called that but I did want to share a situation that happened on one of my teams years ago and which illustrated the point of this post.

At the time, I had two people on my team whose duties overlapped and whom we considered to be a team inside of the larger team. Both were long-tenured employees but one had been in her role significantly longer than the other who was a relatively newer transfer to my group. Still, both had long earned my respect and I knew that they were capable of the work. That is, until a certain Tuesday rolled around.

The more senior person came into my office and started complaining about her co-worker. I’d heard a few grumbles before but something had apparently snapped that day. Now she was going on about how this other person didn’t know enough yet but never asked questions which, of course, meant that they were a know-it-all and too good to ask anyone anything. As a result, all their work was wrong and that was forcing my more senior teammate to waste all her time checking everything. And she was sick of it.

I listened carefully and judged that this was more of a venting session than anything that needed my direct involvement so I offered some perspective, encouraged more communication and patience but also indicated that I’d chat with the other team member to communicate my expectations about working together and checking work. We left it at that and I asked my unhappy colleague to keep me appraised but to also continue to reach out and offer her help. After all, she was the more senior member of the team and I expected her to mentor and guide others.

Less than an hour later, my newer team member came into my office and she started complaining about how the more senior person was rude and dismissive. In fact, it had gotten so bad that my newbie was now hesitant to ask questions for fear of getting her head bitten off (ahhh… it’s making sense now). She felt disrespected and hurt. It was at this point that I realized we had a conflict in full bloom.

The irony is that, before they were co-workers, these two women were very friendly and complimentary towards each other. In fact, when we were interviewing for the newer role, I involved my more senior person in the process and she wholeheartedly endorsed whom we hired. But things had soured and were approaching a crisis point.

After I had heard them both out, I sat in my office thinking what I needed to do. I realized that a lot of their mutual complaints were a matter of perspective and not an issue with either person’s performance. I also realized I had to put an end to this quickly and so I asked them both to join me in a conference room so we could have some privacy.

We sat down with the two of them facing me and not looking at one another. I did not rehash what I’d been told but simply stated that both of them had come to me with concerns about how the team was performing and, specifically, with how they felt the other was treating unfairly. I acknowledged that they each had a right to feel the way they did but that, from my perspective, they were both responsible for the situation and, as a result, had a responsibility to help make it right.

I went on to tell them how much I respected each of them and how lucky I felt to have them on my team, but that this kind of dysfunction could not continue. I then asked for their commitment to try and make things better, and offered my help to meet, counsel or even moderate as needed. I also reminded them of their eagerness to work together when we first formed the team a few months back.

While this wasn’t the worst meeting I’d ever held, it certainly wasn’t a lot of fun for any of us. Still, I believe my younger self several things that helped get things back on track:

• I didn’t let things fester. Once I realized we had a significant – and growing – issue, I spent some time thinking about how to handle it and then I put my plan into motion
• I intentionally avoided the specifics of what each had said about the other as I viewed them as petty squabbles. If something more serious occurred, this would be a different story I’d be relating. However, in this case, I saw pretty clearly how each person was seeing a different side of the same coin (“She thinks she knows it all and doesn’t need to ask questions” vs. “I’m afraid to ask her anything for getting yelled at”)
• I was clear about my expectations – that this bickering would end immediately and that they both needed to be part of the solution. I also explicitly asked for their commitment
• I reminded them about the potential we had seen in each other and in the team. I intentionally cast what had happened as a bump in the road and not the end of our little group so they could start to envision a better future
• And, finally, I stayed engaged with them afterwards. Doing so allowed me to gauge how things were doing plus I could help make minor course corrections since I was interacting with each of them… in effect, I was a short-term substitute for the rapport that they were lacking

And it mostly worked. First, the bickering subsided and then working relationship became cordial again. Overtime, I think they mostly regained the trust and respect that they’d had originally and we did not have a repeat of the issue. And I give that credit to the two of them — they were the ones who affected the real change. The part I played was small but important as I set aside my own discomfort and got this process of healing started.

Conflict will occur despite our best intentions. The challenge is what we choose to do about it when it does happen. As leaders we need to assess the situation, decide if action is required, and – if it is – to be brave enough to take the steps necessary. And we always take the high road… no showing favoritism or taking sides. If one person is “more wrong” than the other, then have that conversation individually. But seek to understand all the dynamics at work so you can provide the best direction possible.

Know that I’m pulling for you!