So, Help Me Understand…

There is so much power in the phrase “help me understand” and I’ve used it countless times as a manager to signal to someone on my team that we are about to engage in a deeper discussion. It is an invitation to work together to gain mutual understanding and – perhaps – make some necessary changes.

I think the origin of my use of this phrase came from a recognizing a few universal truths that I believe hold true with just about everyone I meet:

• People tend to see themselves as the hero (tragic or otherwise) of their own particular story
• We all generally want to do good and for our efforts to ultimately make a difference
• Most people don’t enjoy being attacked or criticized directly

I’ve been managing people since I was 19 years old and I know I’ve made many mistakes along the way. Because of those hard-earned lessons, I’ve found that these “truths” tend to apply to most people in most situations. The one caveat is that your work environment must not be so toxic that people have given up and/or are intentionally destructive in their words & actions, and that there is at least some level of trust between you and your associates.

Assuming that is all true, then when I encounter a situation where I believe something may be going wrong or at least could me measurably better, my opening phrase tends to be the above “So, help me understand.”

I believe that those particular words first convey that there’s a disconnect between my thinking and my employee’s, but they also suggest that I’m not judging or condemning them. In using those words, you recognize that you lack information or perspective and are asking for it in a way that hopefully shows that everyone is still on the same side.

Asking for information may also put your teammate into an introspective frame of mind, helping them see things from a different point of view and to being part of a discussion rather than a defense. It also helps me frame how I approach situations – not as judge, jury and executioner, but rather as a knowledge-seeker who brings perhaps a different perspective to be considered.

I half-suspect that my team rolls their eyes every time I use this phrase with them but they have always been gracious about indulging me and it usually leads to insightful conversations. Sometimes I have learned things that brought me into agreement with their course of action while, at other times, I could offer perspective that helped them reconsider what they’d done so we could course correct or at least learn a lesson for next time.

By understanding that people tend to see themselves as trying to do good and by not attacking them and threatening that self-perception, I find that people are far more receptive to examining what may be happening and, if necessary, are open to making any changes that are needed. And, more importantly, they start to apply this self-analysis independently which has helped them grow both professionally and personally.

So, help me understand… and know that I’m pulling for you!