When I was in high school, I was really shy… so shy, that I’d often eat lunch alone or try to find a seat by myself on the bus. In four years, I managed to ask just one girl out, and I only did that because it was prom and I felt the pressure of “this only happens once.” I just wasn’t comfortable around people and I lacked the confidence to break out of my shell. That did get a little better in my junior and senior years as I started to discover what I was good at… but, still, I was a pretty shy kid.
Now fast forward a few years to college and I needed a part-time job that would earn reasonable money. So I thought I’d try my hand at being a waiter. After all, college was a fresh start and I’d started to come out of my shell a bit. Plus, no one really knew how socially awkward I’d been so I figured why not.
Well, apparently I was still pretty awkward as the restaurant manager turned me down for the job saying she didn’t think I had the personality for it. She offered me a job in the kitchen – which I took – though I eventually convinced her to give me a chance as a waiter.
It was my first week of serving when something happened and I had realization that I still use to this day. I approached this table of four young ladies, all about my age and very pretty, and who were clearly having a fun night out. I walked right up, politely interrupted, and started talking to them. Granted, it was to ask what they wanted to drink but it was at this point that my mind sort of split into two trains of thought.
The practical part of my brain carried on doing my job but the bigger picture part was astounded. Here was super shy Chris talking to real girls. Girls I would never would have had the courage to engage with individually, much less in a group. True, I wasn’t asking any of them out on a date and we all had clearly-defined roles to play in this exchange, but still… I. Was. Talking. To. Girls. What the heck was going on here?!?
I thought about it later and reasoned that since my job required me to talk to my customers that, somehow, my brain was bypassing my innate shyness. I had a job to do and I did it (in addition to being super shy, I am also really responsible). This epiphany stuck with me… so much so that, years later, when I would have public speaking engagements, I’d tell colleagues that I was going into “waiter mode” so I could be effective in talking with large groups of people and not get all tongue-tied.
In a lot of ways, what I was doing was a lot like acting. Actors assume different roles and personalities in order to be convincing in the parts they play. But it is still just a role they are “wearing” by emphasizing certain aspects of themselves and perhaps filling in other parts through imagination.
So, if you ever struggle with having enough confidence, I’d like you to consider this. You don’t need to go to acting school but but perhaps the secret to confidence is to:
- commit fully to the job you need to get done
- put forward those parts of yourself that are needed for this work. If it helps, pretend you are exactly the person you need to be to get the job done (the old “fake it ’til you make it” approach)
- acknowledge any fear you may be feeling but defer focusing on it until later because you have a job to do right now. This point is vital to your success
- finally, be sure you really know your stuff since familiarity can help your brain slip into an autopilot mode and thus bypass anything that might trip you up
Let me go back to the point about managing your fears as I think it’s the one that’s most likely to sink you if you don’t do it right. In my own experience, when I let doubt creep into my thinking, that’s when my performance suffered. So you need to find ways that you can arrest, or at least defer, those fears.
Personally, I have an over-developed sense of responsibility so one of my tricks is to remind myself that people are counting on me when I start to get nervous and that often does the trick. The fear of letting people down often trumps the fear of messing up.
The final bullet about practicing and really knowing what you’re doing is another great way to address fear. I’ve choked during a few presentations in my career but I’ve found that if I have practiced the material enough so that I have a pretty good idea of the flow and the general talking points, then I can latch onto that familiar thread and let my brain slip into autopilot. Once I get back into that rhythm, the fear usually subsides and things get back on track.
Going back to my younger self talking to those girls who were way outside his league, I knew the script for taking an order and I didn’t get caught up in the “what do I do now” question. I could just let part of my brain do the talking while the rest of me just stayed out of the way and marveled at what I was happening.
If you are able to step into this different type of mindset, you may find that you are able to conquer your fear… or at least bypass it. And that sure seems a lot like confidence to me.
Know that I’m pulling for you!
What If... 
Leave a comment